Out of the Office...I'm sorry, the Marine you are looking for has been deployed with America's Finest, the United States Marine Corps, to parts unknown, for an unknown amount of time. Thank you for stopping in. If you would like to contact this Marine, please click on the Facebook link, and leave a message.
Update...The young man leans against the grey cinder block wall. Taking a slow drag from a cigarette, he looks around cautiously. Slow exhale...adjusting the rifle hanging from his shoulder..."Damn..."
Resolutions...
It is a new year. Of course everyone is obliged to have New Year's resolutions for some reason or another. Therefore, even though I am near perfect in my own eyes, I resolve to do the following this year...
1) I resolve to bring my bathroom up to at least 1970's style. Nothing says "Great Depression" like the radiator in the old wooden box.
2) I resolve to be a better husband. I've sorta been coasting on this one lately. This is the year to rev up the engines and remind her that I'm her handsome sumbitch loverboy! Git some!
3) I resolve to pace myself on the cheeseburgers this year. Please note, I did not say "give up". I figure if I pace myself to maybe...three or four a week, I should be good. Cheeseburgers are like my kryptonite made of crack. My biggest weakness, but very addictive.
4) I resolve to dance naked to techno at least once this upcoming year. Umm...nuf said bout that.
5) I resolve to get my 300 PFT this year. I'll be 30, and the 300 just looks damn symmetrical next to it. It was meant to be dammit!
6) I resolve not to work out more...but to work out smarter. Going till vomit or blackouts will no longer fly. I'm not as young as I once was. Well, maybe just once in awhile won't hurt...
7) I resolve to be the best god-damned motivated leatherneck'd jarhead Marine shit-kicker ever seen in this hemisphere. (resolution not valid in Eastern and Southern hemispheres, void where prohibited)
8) I resolve to continue this blog for yet another year. Because mediocrity and mundanity need a place to chill. Woah, did I just use those two big "m" words in a sentence?! SWEEET!So there you have them, my resolutions. Will I be a better person this year? Perhaps. Perhaps not. But at least this year I start out with chevrons on my shoulder, a healthy son, loving wife, and a warm home. Better would be nice, but what I already have is pretty good too. Thanks for stopping in.
Workout Bugs...Okay, I'm going back to workout in the evenings because I'm a motivated Devildog. Ooh-rah! Not to mention I find the prospect of getting anything lower than a high first class PFT appalling. I understand that I'm not the only person in that gym. I KNOW that. Alright? I know it's not mine and it's a privilege, blah blah blah! But there are some things that downright piss me the fuck off! Here are a few of them in no particular order:1) Out of all the empty lockers in the locker room, that slimy little douchebag has to set up shop right next to your naked ass. Then he has to hurry and get naked, only to take his sweet time getting dressed. 2) The sauna takes a long time to heat up. It's not some magical wooden box that magically and instantaneously becomes hot. No fuckstick...there is a tiny-ass heating element under them there rocks that heats the whole room. I turn it on when I start my workout so it's nice and toasty when I finish in an hour. Leaving the damn door open or cranking the knob all the way around so it'll start heating in 8 fucking hours DOES NOT MAKE IT HOT!!3) Muscleheads, staring at yourself in the mirror is a sign of extreme narcissism. It's alright when you need to watch your form, but when you just stand there jaw agape, staring at your own reflection for several minutes...it makes you look like an idiot.4) Speaking of staring...yes the woman on the stair stepper is hot. We all see her and she has made it very obvious she wants to be seen. Walking in front of her ten times in three minutes while staring at her is downright ass-tastic. Knock it off! You're playing right into her hands. It's a friggin reverse of number 3.5) Ignoring the huge sign up sheet for treadmills and running on the fucker for one hour at a nice slow 3 MPH trot is NOT working out. It's being a mill hog. I hope you trip and launch yourself into the wall. You want to run a marathon, go outside and run Forrest run!6) See those barbells? Yeah they're not eggs and you're not the mother hen. You don't need the entire collection surrounding you to do ONE set of exercises. Didn't you learn to share in kindergarten?!7) If I'm working out, minding my own business, please don't come up to me and suggest a better way. I don't care if you read in some magazine that so-and-so does it this way, so I should as well. Leave me alone. You're almost three hundred pounds and wheezing. If I need eating advice, I'll consult you. Until then, get your wheezing ass on an elliptical.8) Speaking of magazines. If you can read one while working out...YOU AREN'T WORKING HARD ENOUGH! If you are going to take the time to do something, why can't you do it to the best of your abilities? Focus, put in an effort, and reap the benefits. It's that easy.9) When you get out of the pool, the sauna is NOT a place to warm up because your nuts shrivelled in the cold. It took me over an hour to get the heat built up. Yet you, your buddy, his kid, and whoever the hell else, cram their smelly asses into the sauna and stand around like jackasses. Then they all leave at the same time...taking all the heat with them and leaving a nice bleachy smell behind. Thanks guys.10) Finally, if you are going to take a shower, please remember...it is not your shower at home. Please don't blow snot all over the place, or clean that deep crevasse that you missed earlier with your hand, and if you are gonna piss in the shower, at least TRY to hide it. You don't have to hold your junk and stare at it as you piss all over the wall. You're disgusting and I pity the poor soul who has to clean up after you. Alright, that's enough complaining. Just thought I would get it all off my chest. Carry on.
Conversations of the Self...Self, you know...things are getting better.How so?Well, for one you're back in the Corps. You've always wanted to do that.True.Another, you're still in shape.Yeah...The family is doing great.Yes they are.There's only one thing I wish you would do.What's that self?Would you PLEASE get someone to fix that goddamned faucet in the bathroom!? It's driving me nuts!Oh...uh sure...lemme get right on it............You're not going to do it are you.Um...maybe later.Goddammit.
