A Taste...
The summer has come and gone. I didn't notice. I can't believe it's been almost 6 months since returning to the states. Half a year. Mathematically speaking, I should be wearing black and comforting my son.
That hasn't happened. This is a good thing. Her cancer hasn't stopped. More like it's slowed to a crawl.
The wife's cancer spread during this time. It went to her skin, her bones, her brain, and her spinal cord. She has had a stroke and lost control over half her face. She has persistent pain in her shoulder, her abdomen, and there is some sort of weird lump under her arm in a lymph node. There has been a tremor developing so bad that she can't even hold a cup of coffee.
All day, every day, she is in pain. She has no strength to enjoy any activities. So depression sets in. With lack of activities, her strength is sapped as well.
But she's alive. That's what matters.
We see her friends and family. There is not a moment where pity isn't reflected in their eyes. They all love to offer help and support. Yet most of the time, it's just pretty words. That's okay, I understand. It's not a comfortable thing to deal with. A nice hollow offer of support, then...nothing, is the standard thing to do. Don't feel guilty. Those who actually do something are the rarity.
I'm supposed to be helping with recruiting for the Marine Corps. High school teenagers with their self-centered sense of entitlement make me sick. I have no patience for those children. I have no patience for anyone anymore. This illness has shown me that in the end, there are only a few people to trust. We are inevitably alone.
I've begun to seek the sweet numbness located at the bottom of a beer bottle. Screw this world. Screw this life.
Friends? What friends?
Family? None of mine bother.
Job? Yeah right.
This story will end with my son and I alone in this world, dealing with the void left by Denise. No sense in sugar-coating this shit. Yes I have become bitter. So what?
You will read this and move to the next web page. Carry on reader. You don't need to stick around waiting for the train wreck.
posted by Silentwarrior @ 7:48 PM
6 Comments:
James, I think about you all a lot. I'm sorry this sucks so much.
jen
I, too, think about you. And I pray. I pray for you, Denise and your son. Please remember there are a lot of us thinking and praying.
I've had to sit on this for 24 before I commented. If there is anything I've experienced more than nearly anyone else my age, its watching a family lose a parent. By the time my eldest graduated from 8th grade, 10% of his class had had a parent die. It was mostly cancer, all different kinds from blood born to lung. By the time my 3rd son was in 4th grade, he'd had 5% of the class with a parent die.
I've seen people come together and do good things and I've seen huge mistakes made, like the time a mother decided that nobody was doing anything to help a certain family (she was wrong) and sent out a global email to all of us to sign up to take them dinner indefinitely... never having consulted with the family. Turns out the family was full of picky eaters and there was a reason they didn't have people cooking for them. A scramble email from a teacher saved the day... we all bought gift cards to various take out places around town. Knowing the family personally, I was PISSED at this 'know it all Mom', who I hated anyway, but it solidified.
The deal is... this is serious suckage for everyone, but your family wins the big suckage award. It doesn't suck worse for anyone more than you. Period. And it just seems like nobody knows wtf to do. I'm sad people aren't stepping up to the plate. Their hiding from this doesn't make it go away.
Nobody can make this go away..., but I assure you, everyone wishes they could. And you nailed it, as awful as it is for me to say... you are inevitably alone. It will be you and your son relying on each other.
And... its not right and its not fair. At all. As I said in the email... I'm sorry. I think of you and your family every damn day.
Take care...
I linked over here from Drunken Wisdom a while ago and keep coming back, because I can't stop thinking about what your wife is going through, as well as you and your son. I know I don't have the right words, but had to say something. Strength of heart, heart of courage.
People have stepped up to the plate, but you wouldn't allow them to help or into your heart to help you emotionally. She has been gone almost 7 months now, and you seem happier and seem to have a new friend to help you enjoy life again. Best wishes.
Hello,
I have a question about your blog. Please email me!
Thanks,
David
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